In April 2024, 15 people streamed into a giant room at an Auburn, Washington, dog-training facility. Some brought their dogs, while others came solo. But they all had one thing in common: They were part of the Puget Sound AKC dog sports community, and they were experiencing the devastating loss of a spouse.
The protocol was informal. Each introduced themselves, detailing their experiences since their partner’s death. Within minutes, it became apparent the grieving process and support system was different for everyone.
For some, that passing had been recent. For others, it had been a decade or more. And there was an added twist: Some noted how they emerged as their dog’s main support mechanism, too, since several of the dogs had been more bonded to their late spouses.
If there is ever an organization with a deeply embedded meaning associated with its name, Grief Support Dogs would be it. Some attendees made new friendships; others had known each other for years. For them, dogs have been their pivotal emotional support and the link between their grief and finding others who understand.
Connecting Over Grief, Over Coffee
The group started small before it became what it is today. Ingrida Robinson, Terri Kaluza, and Elizabeth Felix met competing in obedience trials across the Pacific Northwest. After all three of the women lost their husbands within an 18-month period, they decided to meet for coffee in December 2023 in search of comfort. “It’s not exactly a group you want to be associated with. By that, I mean, through this group, we have all become good friends, but we have all suffered devastating losses in the process,” says Robinson.
In the months since, the trio has continued communicating via email and text messages. “We were all in the same boat, but at times it felt like separate boats,” Robinson adds. They were incredibly grateful to have connected through dog sports, and even more so to find others in that community that were able to be supports for each other during this unimaginably difficult time in their lives.
Forming a Group for Dog People Who Are Widowed
During their occasional conversations over text and email, they wondered why there weren’t dog-oriented groups to support grieving widows and widowers. As they began to reach out to others in the area’s dog community, they discovered that there was certainly a place for a group like this.
Robinson’s friend Kathy Lang, a longtime dog trainer, encouraged her to expand their meetings and invite others to form a support group. The three widows compiled a list from memory of a couple dozen others going through the same situation. They contacted those individuals and held their first gathering at Kaluza’s dog training facility in Auburn in late April.
It started as an informal gathering of friends and their dogs. In total, 15 attended that first gathering, each introducing themself and detailing what they had experienced since their partner’s death. Some had experienced a loss just a few months earlier, while it had been years for others. Everyone quickly recognized that the grieving process and support system was different for each of them. “It was heartening and reassuring for me to hear from the folks who were further along in the process that each of us was normal in our own way during the grieving process,” Robinson says.
Even though she hasn’t experienced the loss of a partner, Lang asked the group how she and others could help them maneuver through grief. Many of the responses were phrases like “Just check in on us” or “a silent hug.”
“Grievers have a hard time asking for help, but gratefully accept it,” adds Robinson. “So many of us are better at reversing the role – being a support person or helper, than a recipient.”
The Dog Connection to Help Others Through Grief
Keeping the group afloat and planning monthly meetings presented a challenge for Robinson, Kaluza, and Felix — especially since two of them manage their own businesses. But, they felt the group’s purpose was essential and decided to do all they could to continue with regular meetings. Having that dog sport connection with one another, on top of the loss of their spouse, made it easier to connect and talk about those things that were so difficult to discuss. “If talking to others about my husband’s death became too emotional, I was able to change the subject to dog training and continue to talk without having too many meltdowns,” Felix says. “Listening to others here helped validate that I was not the only one with those feelings.”
Felix described that first meeting as a “heartwarming comfort zone,” adding that the group helped her to feel less alone in navigating her grief. “Having my dogs gave me purpose,” she explains. “In the house, they were all I had to talk to. They reminded me when it was time to get up, eat, and go outside for their benefit — and mine. They helped me to see a little bit of sunshine and joy in their life.”
“Dog people understand the deep pain of losing a loved one,” adds Jennifer Johnson of Yelm, Washington, a member of the group. “Anyone who has been loved by a dog has lost a piece of their heart when that dog passed. Maybe we have bigger hearts, so when it breaks, we find we still have love to give.”
The Dogs Made the Difference
For some dog owners, there’s an added challenge and wake-up call for after losing a spouse. Johnson notes that “Gwynne,” her Golden Retriever, was her husband LeRoy’s buddy. LeRoy taught Gwynne to assist him with tasks that gave him trouble as his health and mobility were declining. “I was unaware of all the things [Gwynne] was doing to help him. After his death, Gwynne was grieving also,” she explains.
Johnson has four other dogs, and Gwynne has found a new purpose in helping out around the house. After meals, she picks up each dog’s bowl and brings them to Johnson. “I can’t remember exactly when I realized she was helping me as she had helped him. Because Gwynne was so close to him, I wasn’t her favorite person,” she explains. “He was the one who loved her the way she was. She reminds me every day that though we lost him, life goes on.”
For member Veda Viles, her Manchester Terriers “Doc” and “Faith” helped her to get out of the house following the death of Neil, her husband of nearly 51 years. He had been unable to leave his home and was on oxygen for almost two years before spending the final seven months of his life in the hospital. “After he passed, the dogs both refocused my attention outside myself. They were the push I needed to return to normalcy,” she explains. “After Neil’s death, I found it easier to talk to other dog folks than the general public — their unspoken support truly held me up. I knew they would understand and be there when I needed them.”
Alda Weaver’s husband Luckie died of a sudden heart attack a decade before she attended her first Grief Support Dogs meeting. “It is easier now to talk about his passing, but I avoided the discussion for many years,” she says. “I attended a cancer support session many years ago and left not wanting to return. I suspect the memory of that experience made me want to avoid any grief counseling. I was hesitant to join this group because Luckie’s death is so far in the past, but Kathy Lang urged me to join. I found it interesting to hear the experiences of others and their reactions and reconnecting with others in the dog community.”
The Healing Power of the Dog Community
Larry Hubbard, of Burien, Washington, who has been a widower since January 2023, credits his Labrador Retriever “Boss” and Golden Retriever “Kai” for helping him to stay on a positive path following his spouse’s death. It’s been important, he says, to interact with friends in the dog world.
Like Hubbard, Sue Lewis of Federal Way, Washington, saw her Beaucerons “Grizzbee” and “Angele” as the driving force for keeping her engaged with the public after a drunk driver killed her husband Doug during the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic. The dogs were also grieving after his death, but they made sure to keep watch over Sue even as they kept their heartbreaking vigil waiting for Doug’s return. “They used to sit by the door and wait for him to come home,” she recalls. “During that first year, both kept a very close eye on me and were almost constantly by my side. If I started to cry, they would try to comfort me by curling up next to me, one on each side. It felt like they took on the responsibility of caring for me as much as I was caring for them.”
Because her loss came during the pandemic, Lewis did not seek out any support groups. While it has been several years since Doug passed, Lewis said the Grief Support Dogs gathering benefited her immensely. “[It] helped validate some of the feelings I went through and the sense of the profound loss I still felt,” she explains. “It was particularly helpful to share ideas and tips of how to deal with the new normal with others in the dog community.”
Finding a New Purpose in the Dog World
Like others attending the Grief Support Dogs session, P.J. Pezella of Burien, Washington, finds the dog community welcoming and easy to talk with. “When you lose a spouse, the dog has lost a friend, too. [The dog] needs to know you are there for [them], too,” the owner of two Papillons, “Gizmo” and “Rocko,” emphasizes.
When thinking about the group’s importance, Kaluza emphasizes that spending time with her Golden Retriever “Ty,” along with her two other dogs and her horses, is one of the main reasons she gets out of bed every morning. “If I am having a sad day, he will put his paws on my shoulders and lick the tears from my cheeks. Many times, he just ends up under my hand. I don’t know how he knows that I need to rub those ears and scratch that head,” she explains. “Ty has been my competition Obedience dog. He is not my heart dog but rather my heartbreak dog. A heartbreak dog is just as important as a heart dog, but it’s a tougher role to fill. It’s a dog that is there through your heartbreaks for help and support. It seems like a lot of pressure for a dog, but I know Ty wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Through Grief Support Dogs, Robinson, Kaluza, and Felix have found new purpose and a greater sense of community through dog sports. “I didn’t realize until after Andy passed how many dog people had gone through what I was experiencing. They started coming out of the woodwork, which prompted the three of us to organize Grief Support Dogs,” Kaluza adds. “We thought if we could help just one person, it would be worth it.”